Change

Usually I am an advocate for change. I like trying new things, I like going out of my comfort zone, I like fresh new ideas that help me change as a person for the better. I accept change with open arms and do my best to acclimate. But this change I don't like so much.

Last year when I left Westmore Elementary I was planning on a full time position with partial insurance benefits. I knew full time would be so hard especially with Anna but I was prepared to do the job. I was planning on that money to put away in savings since our savings account is virtually depleted. The day Anna was born I found out I would have to stick with part time hours, and part of me was so grateful! I knew full time would have just been too hard. This change was welcomed. My boss told me I could work afternoon hours on this part time schedule and that came as an even greater blessing to me.

Well it was getting to be the middle of August and I hadn't heard from my boss about my hours yet. So I called him. Turns out if I worked in the afternoon I would only get 5 hours per week, and well, the time to get Anna to grandmas was more than the working part, thus the job wasn't worth the money or the time. Morning hours of course were available and for 12 hours per week which was a little more worth while. So I took the hours quickly, to secure my job. But I didn't really take the time to think it through. This change is one I don't like.

Afterall, mornings with my girl are my most coveted hours of the day. I would give anything to be with her when she wakes up to stretch out for the day and take in the beauty around her.

I thought I would be alright, I really thought I would be fine. But yesterday I had faculty meeting for the first time and I was not fine. I didn't want to be there, I didn't even care. (Not the greatest attitude on the first day of work.) To my dismay, another change that I don't like was made known to me at that meeting as well. My teaching method will be going back to the group work that I tried last year which completely failed. The group setting was not a good thing for me and I hated my job during that time. And now I find out group teaching is what is expected of me again. I really don't know if I can do this.

First off, I don't want to be there at all, and second I now have to teach in a setting that I really don't like. (Good thing I didn't stay in the program huh? How would I have ever handled a whole classroom?)

Yesterday I made it all day without a single tear, to my amazement. I guess the tears were saving up for today. As I got my beauty out of her crib this morning and held her in my arms and watched her, my sadness of having to leave her overwhelmed me. I just want to be with her so badly. I don't want to teach other students. I don't want to leave her. And now it seems that I have no choice. School starts tomorrow and I am bound until May.

Looking back on the decisions I made, I wish I would have thought about them for longer. I wish I would have really taken the time to explore what my heart really wanted and what our family could handle financially. I wish I could call my boss today and tell him I was very sorry but I couldn't take the job after all. I wish I was putting up flyers for violin lessons and starting my own studio instead. I wish many things concerning this job, but I guess wishing is just that-it won't get me anywhere.

So what does a girl do? I know I shouldn't even be complaining in the first place because I am blessed enough to only be committed to 12 hours a week. There are so many moms that have to work full time and I honestly don't know how they do it and I admire them for their strength. But it's still so hard to be happy when I know my joy is at home.

Thanks for reading and if you made it to the end, you deserve a treat. Here's to changing my attitude and to, hopefully, a great school year!